Entry #6-Seasons of Change

Date:  October 15, 2013
Time:   Around Noon
Weather:  Partly Sunny, Chilly, Breezy

                                         Seasons of Change

I allow extra time to spend in my favorite spot.  I need it.  The last few weeks have contained many hard lessons. As a result, I have grown so much, but this growth coexisted with plenty of pain.  I guess pain is a catalyst for change.  If I believed everything in my life was perfect or going in the right direction, then why would I attempt to change anything? 

I quit smoking cigarettes a few years ago for a substantial amount of time.  However, in the past year I started smoking on and off.  In times of stress, I tend to revert back to my old habit and then beat myself up for starting again.  Well, the last few weeks have been very difficult in many ways, so I again picked my old habit back up.  I knew this was going against everything I believe in—a healthy body, mind, and soul—I knew I had to stop.  So yesterday around 2:30 PM, I had my last cigarette.  I quit before for years after completing the nine week program using the nicotine patch, so I chose this weapon again.  So far, so good.  

Once again, I know it’s a moment at a time.  I can only focus on not smoking this moment.  Actually, I really have not thought about it as much as I thought I would.  I feel so at peace and content, feelings that eluded me the last few weeks.  My choice to quit aligns up with my beliefs.  I believe one of the reasons I felt a little off balance emotionally the last few weeks transpired because of the discrepancy between my actions and desires for my life. 

***

            

 As I sit on the bench under the tree overlooking the lake, a lot of thoughts cross my mind.  I notice ripples dancing on top of the water, creating a unique pattern.  The blue sky is interspersed with thin wispy

white clouds.  I welcome the crisp fall air, it wakes me up a little.  I feel like I have been “awakened” to many truths about myself in the past few weeks, like the fall air entered my soul and washed away all the useless debris.  I could stare out at the lake for hours, simply watching the hypnotic movement of the water and listening to the silence.

The only sounds breaking up the silence is the occasional duck call, which I welcome.  I sometimes prefer conversing with nature over conversing with people.  Whenever I enter this beautiful landscape, I feel like it reaches out and embraces me, like a loving mother.  This place accepts me no matter how I feel, whether I feel depressed, happy, sad, angry, or a combination of emotions.  This place does not place judgment, it only welcomes.

            

I make my way down towards the water, where my friends are bathing and resting.  No matter the circumstances, my friends always bring a smile to my face.  I admire their simple beauty, grace, and

ability to go with the flow of life.  They float on top of the water with
ease and then can glide through the sky, weightless.  A few ducks begin to walk up the little hill by the lake towards me, and I stand as still as possible, I don’t want to frighten them away.  They come within inches of me, as if welcoming me and extending their webbed feet in friendship.  This is an amazing moment.  I never stood so close to these ducks before, any ducks for that matter.  I feel truly grateful for their trust.  I wish I brought some bread to feed them.  I make a mental note to bring some a long next time.  I want to give them something back, for all that they give me.

I notice most of the surrounding trees are bare, most of the leaves have fallen on the ground.  Winter is coming.  My life seems to change with the seasons.  My heart feels lighter, my mind more at ease.  The leaves crunch beneath my feet.  The trees part with their leaves with little resistance.  They realize losing their leaves is part of the process.  I know the less resistance I hold to change in my life, the more peace I will gain. Change is inevitable, and it is a vital part in the growth process.